March 20th,2010: ( original date I wrote this note) just want to give you a mindset of where my head is at well,was at..
Good thing that people don’t read this, well the fun part is that I still have yet to tell anyone and I mean anyone except for immediate family that I’m unemployed my family like aunts and cousins don’t know none of my friends know,no one.. Don’t know why it was to initially avoid all the questions that would follow. I don’t really know why I guess it’s shame if anything else. I’m friends with all my high school people not even close friends, people I’ve pretty much grew up with.
They have amazing jobs, amazing lives travel, boyfriends, kids, great jobs it all sounds good have no idea if their lives are really that great but it sounds a heck of a lot better than mine does at this time. I don’t know if I want people to know how pathetic my life has gotten, most likely to succeed that’s what people say about me, everyone thought that I would be settled by now husband, kids, job, house, heck a license would be great..
But nope I don’t have any of the above.. And have no idea of how to get out of this whole I’ve dug myself into.. Wish I knew I did apply for a whole whack load of jobs like 15 and didn’t hear back from anyone since when am I no longer valuable as an employee mom and dad like to say that the right job will come when it’s time to, because right now I’m not really ready to go back to work mind you I wonder that if I was back to being productive not a workaholic but something to have a purpose for like somewhere to go for the day if things would be different when I left work I was sure I would be back to a full-time job by now but nope.
I do want to do some stuff while I’m not doing anything, I think this would be a great time to learn again I’m hoping that I go to SVRC or wherever and they see I’m a good asset and maybe even send me back to school if nothing to have a stupid degree because I believe it’s holding me back. From some really great opportunities. And if not that then I’m definitely planning on learning French and getting healthy in all areas of my life I’m am a lot better than I used to be but I have a long way to go yet as I am a continuous work in progress and God is not finished with me yet.
Speaking of God, were still a little strained but were back on speaking terms I know he has a will for me and I’m determined to live for him but I’m still having issues with going back to church I’ve been hurt so much by the family of God I have no idea of where to go next I like my little cocoon of listening to different pastors and meditating on their words and reading different teachings, I still haven’t really read the bible lately. I’m still holding back I’m holding back on all aspects of my life and I’m really tired of it I’m sick of it I want to change I want a life I just have no idea of how to go about getting one I’m tired of rejection and I’m tired of putting myself out there only to get hurt over and over again, I have no idea of whom to trust besides my family and don’t want to open myself up that way to anyone again.
So well that’s what has been going on so far this year. Fun eh.. Not really it’s only march, 3 months in a lot can happen I just don’t want to be saying this again next year I want to move forward not back and right now I’m like 3 steps back from where I was last year well okay maybe not quite I’m healthier sort of besides the chronic insomnia and IBS still there, and I’m in good shape financially I mean I have a roof over my head, food to eat and internet to surf which is way more then most of the world can say. But the pay hurt and I’m just not making as much as I wanted to be doing but I’m no longer willing to kill myself to get the pay cheque those days are over.. Because it really doesn’t get me anywhere but sick and under appreciated.
Oh well the next job will value me and my opinion and treat me as an equal and I will not get involved in office politics and I will not participate in the bashing and I will be even more careful who and what I say and I will be a light in the darkness and not compromise my self or my beliefs any longer for a pay cheque.
This is my year for a new beginning and I truly believe that God has the right job for me out there that will glorify his will in my life and allow me to do something for his kingdom without compromising myself or my beliefs any longer.. I’m stronger and I deserve better than what I have this curse on my life is broken I will get a job that will be a benefit and not a detriment to my life and spirit. I will no longer be afraid of every little thing and will do what God has for me.
That’s where I was 4 months ago, wish I could say things have changed but I do truly believe the last statement that I wrote and there is still lots of time for this to occur. tomorrow 100 things about me, if you haven’t tried this it’s a very eye-opening experience you make a list of 100 things about yourself you can start off generic like your name and get more deep as the list goes on, you would think that who would know you better than yourself but it will surprise you how hard it is to come up with a 100 different things about You…
Anyways I’ll leave you with that, good night and God Bless.