Okay well why that title, it’s kind of how i’m feeling like I’m the plug and it won’t stay connected to the laptop which is what I would like to call my life. I keep losing power over and over and the screen fades to dullness it’s like I have all these great intentions to stay powered up but keep losing steam when I become unplugged. Okay enough with the analogy of the plug. Basically what I’m trying to say is that my life has been a series of stops and go’s and no smooth highways every time I think that I finally have a handle on things and can really concentrate on some important goals life throws yet another curveball.
I’m thinking this way for two reasons post a week challenge asked us what have we learned one day and then the day before that what would you tell yourself 10 years ago if you could go back and have a 5 min conversation with you. It got me wondering, yeah and the Valentines day thing didn’t help matters.
If I look at my life in the last 20 years I say 20 years because before I was 15 there were no life altering decisions in my life, my life was controlled mainly by circumstance not by my choices. I can honestly say I have not been wise with all my choices beginning with dropping french in grade 10 because my French teacher made fun of my lisp and told me I shouldn’t speak french, it’s not for me. Heartbreaking when you consider that my origin is french canadian in fact my bro and I are the only grandchildren in my family that aren’t fluent in our mother tongue of french. After that embarassing outcome of failing french and being ridicule in front of class I developed a fear of speaking french in public. I would like to change that and soon as I am able to do so I will begin to take courses so I can gain that lost heritage back. It’s definitely holding me back from getting the kinds of jobs I deserve.
Okay the main thing that I would tell the me of 10 years ago is that he’s not worth it, let go and move on yep your hearing it I let a man well (boy) rule my heart I was so in love he was my first love and I his, but we just couldn’t get past our insecurities to make it work. I allowed him to constantly leave me and then come back over and over again and I wish I could say that I’m the one that ended things but no it ended with a phone call. I’m not hung up on him, put I’m extremely not excited of the prospect of putting myself out there again to end up with the same results possibly. I spent 14yrs of my life pining, dating going on the merry go round that was us and ended up with a broken heart that has never completely healed so yeah I would tell me that his promises of love and that down the road we would be together were empty and that there was someone else for me. That wasting my 20’s on hoping that we would get our happy ending was not what I was supposed to be doing.
The other thing I would tell myself is that choose the apartment close to the job, with the house full of peppy girls with neat freak tendencies instead of going for the town house w the bigger bedroom farther from work because your afraid of someone controlling your life. Sometimes your gut is not always wrong and this time you are getting big warning bells about the townhouse don’t ignore them and play it safe move into the house with the smaller bedroom and the peppy girls trust me it will be a better environment.
Long story short, choosing the townhouse brought on a cycle of lies and fear and at one point life threatening circumstances that if I would have listened to the large warning bells wouldn’t have occurred. If I had? We can all say that but thats what I would tell the myself of 10 years ago.
The thing I’ve learned is that, bad choices, good choice that there is always choice you are never stuck you are never alone and you don’t do yourself any good by isolating yourself, and never be afraid to ask for help and even when you think you have screwed up so bad, that there is nothing that you could do that would turn your heart away from your parents love. My parents with all their faults are amazing people and have had their own journeys and they have been with me through thick and thin. My parents have drove 6 hrs to pick me up and move me out in the middle of the night because they knew that I was terrified and needed to be removed from the situation.
My parents are my rock as is my God, they have always been there the best way they could be with the tools they were given and one day when I’m brave enough i’ll let them read this. They know I blog most of my family does but they don’t know where my blog is there are some advantages to being anonymous.
So that’s what I’ve learned and what I would tell me. What have you learned and if you could have a conversation with the you of 10 years ago what would it consist of?