Part 3: Big Brothers & Sisters/Lessons Learned: (another long one)
Oops forgot to mention a very important part of my growing up and without it I would not be the same person. When I was growing up and after my parents split it was suggested that we go to counselling my brother and I to learn and understand and have a place to share our feelings about the divorce. So we went, there were a lot of agencies involved when we were growing up not because of any parental neglect but because my parents resourced it out for themselves as well as us (moral support and all that). I have to give thanks to the many organizations because they truly did give my brother and I a place to just be kids.
One of these great organizations that we were signed up for was Big Brothers and Sisters where we were given a Big to mentor us and have someone to be there for us when our parents couldn’t be because of their own issues anyways. I had an amazing Big Sister Jackie she taught me all sorts of things and opened my eyes to things that I never really knew existed such as culture and different foods. She also used to take me places and she was just great at encouraging me into being something way more then I thought I could be it was the first time that an adult besides my parents saw greatness in me.. Also because of Big Brothers and Sisters my brother and I were given opportunities that my parents couldn’t afford. Every summer I knew that I was going away for a week to camp/trip and would get to do something fun and exciting. I’ve been to Ottawa, Montreal, Niagara Falls, Toronto. They took us to amusement parks, baseball games, camping etc. All stuff that I would not have been able to do because of money.
Jackie was a big part of my growing up and was a part of my life till I was 16 then at 16 your no longer a little sister so we saw each other but then high school and life got in the way(boyfriend/friends) and we lost touch kind of sad that such an important part of my life just vanished out of my life like that. I have tried to contact her and seek her out but have not had any success I haven’t talked to her in 15 yrs.
You know though a lot of that has to do with my life now, I’m not the success she thought I would be and I feel like I let her down somehow all that time and effort she put into encouraging me for greatness and I didn’t succeed “yet” at achieving that greatness. With all my opportunities and blessings I have been given I still haven’t manage to achieve a degree or a lot of other things we planned together for me. One day though I hope we will meet again and I will be able to show her that her words/actions meant a lot to me and that I did achieve “success”.
I hope one day to be a great mentor to someone like she has been to me, right now, though is not that time. Need to figure out my own life before I can begin to help someone else learn about their own life and dreams. If you have the time though to become one it is truly life changing. It’s amazing what words and time can do for a little girl in some of the most difficult times of her life.
I truly believe that if I didn’t have the parents I had and the mentors I had in my life that my life, may have turned out very different I mean It hasn’t turned out like I have wanted to when I was 17. It could be a heck of lot worse. I am single but I have no children, I am self sufficient to the most part, I did attempt higher education and have been employed and not reliant on social assistance for most of my adult life, I don’t have any addictions/and have never been in trouble (legally) so in my eyes I have achieved some of the success these programs try to encourage.
So what have I learned from all of this, what has this taught me.
Well it has taught me that money is truly the root of all evil well in my family anyways. I no longer have a family on my Dad’s side thanks to money.
I’m am very sheltered when it comes to talking about my life with my family and friends. I’m more honest with my twitter friends then I have been with people I have known all my life. I have a lot of shame, I think people have a lot of expectations for me to succeed and when I don’t, I feel like I let them down as a whole. I know that is a false conception but that is what I believed. In fact I have stopped talking to a lot of people because I wasn’t proud of who I had become. Many of my friendships have ended over the years because I felt like they would be disappointed in the way my life has turned out/or choices I have made. So I would cut things off, so I never had to see/hear/feel their disappointment. Then I learned years later that my “true friends” didn’t even care, they just wanted me to be happy and missed having me in their lives. Thanks to face book/internet I have reconnected with them and it’s like we never stopped talking it’s great.
Trust me a lot of people would be shocked that I never graduated from college/University that I haven’t really achieved what people deem as success that at the age of 34 I have not been married, had kids, got my license, owned a vehicle, owned a house. That I live w/my mom (it’s not like that were roommates), and before that lived w/Dad (to help him out).
I am very tight with the money I have. I enjoy spending when I’m doing it but afterwards I get severe buyers remorse like I never feel like I should have done that. My parents have even gone so far to say that it’s like I feel like I don’t deserve it, that I’m not worth it. Because of the choices I have made in my life.
I have to have food in my fridge, it’s a major insecurity for me not to have food, it’s a priority in my budgeting I will sacrifice having a life as long as my fridge is full, and I don’t mean overflowing just a variety, and the thing is It doesn’t matter how worse things have gotten there is always food. I have never been let down in that way if it didn’t come from one source it came from another but I’ve never starved. Didn’t live high on the hog but I’ve never went to bed hungry. (but this at times has caused me to hoard food, not like the show but if something is on sale and I have money I am likely to buy more than I need, just in case)
I have developed a compulsion of sorts of not ending like my parents to the point that I have become a worry wart about money which isn’t good either, doing my budget over and over again making sure that the numbers match. just obsessing about making ends meet to the point of annoyance.
I don’t trust easily because I have been burned many times in more ways than I can count, by the people that I have trusted the most. So I’m pretty guarded when it comes to letting you in my inner circle. But when your in watch out because I am fiercely loyal and will defend you and your secrets to the death or till you hurt me than you will have a tough time breaking my walls down if ever I let you back in.
Over all I’ve learned that my faith does matter it has gotten me through many of dark days and I don’t know where I would be without it. I have been very blessed and am looking forward to what is next in God’s plan for my life. I tried living without it and well that didn’t go so well, I’m happier with it.
March is my January the beginning of my new life I believe that things are only going to get better from here and I am on the way to becoming the person I’ve always thought I was going to be and was meant to be. So I am a woman on the move and unfortunately I am starting at mid thirties but I don’t feel like it.
I feel like all my blogging friends in their mid-twenties with the world in front of them and that is just to dang exciting. This is going to be a great year and I’m going to have a great life and I can’t wait for it to start.
I’m catching up on entries so there will probably be another today and tomorrow and over the weekend March is about getting consistency in my life in everything I do and that includes blogging. I’m hoping to buy my own domain by April/May. Then really pump it up a notch.