Well I need to be completely honest with you’s, whoever “you” may be. I was having some difficulties this week to be mild okay.
I was starting to sink back into depression mode. The thing is I recognized it the signs were there I was starting to not enjoy my everyday activities. Right now that’s not a lot but even the idea of putting my feelings on paper seemed like a huge undertaking. I tried to video blog it but I just look like a huge mess so I’m not sure anyone will ever see it. My mom being the loving mom she is saw me going there and tried to talk to me but I was just not in the right head space to receive what she was telling me.
It started innocently enough got bad news had a mild freak out and then seem to digest it then move on but then the thoughts started coming and wouldn’t stop.
If you have been following me you know that right now I’m in the circumstance of being unemployed and up until a week ago I thought I had a month to iron out the situation because I was led to believe that I had another three weeks of Unemployment Insurance.
That wasn’t the case and thus the tailspin into depression began. I am not clinically depressed but I have been diagnosed with “Situational Depression” Which in lament terms means that when my world gets upset so do I. Sometimes to the point of what I’m describing now. I want to be honest with people in case there is someone who felt like I did.
I just stopped caring I didn’t want to read blogs (no offence to peoples but hearing about amazing trips when your wondering how your going to pay for food and bills the next month, doesn’t help your self esteem). So for three days I played Tumblebugs, listened to music and sat in my room with no lights and slept when I wasn’t doing that. I didn’t tweet, or Facebook or talk to anyone. I missed church 2x because I didn’t want to be around peoples. I punished myself by not eating, some people eat when their depressed I don’t.
My mom recognized where this was going and thank fully would not let me go deeper and forced me to go out to my small group where there I was able to share what was going on and learn that it wasn’t just me. So basically I went to therapy, got prayed for and let it all go and now I’m back into the game and know and trust that it will all work out for the good. Stopped blaming myself and now I am living one day at a time and what ever happens will happen.
I’m giving the job search some more time to get an office job if not then I will suck it up and go and work at something that will be a “job” for now, pay the bills and continue to try to achieve my goals for this year. I’m am not going to look at this as a way to be mad at myself I’m tired of beating myself up for every choice I’ve ever made. No more living in the past onto living in the present.
So one thing that was decided that is even though the money situation sucks right now, Mom wants me to go to this thing at the end of the month that I talked about a couple of posts back. It’s a women’s conference and she want’s me to get built up because when I start work I might not have the ability to take that kind of time off for a bit. So I have that to look forward to.
I do have a small confession because of the whole “self hatred” thing I got totally off track with the cleanse and wasn’t able to finish how I would like the thing is I’m going to be doing this for at least 6months till my system is in order so I decided to stop where I was on day 26 and start over again on April 1st at Day 1 and do it all over again. There was no way for me to catch up so I decided to proceed this way so April 1st back at it.
I’m disappointed but I’m not doing this for anyone but me so it doesn’t really matter how I do it as long as I do it I’m loving it so far I have noticed amazing changes and am looking forward to the rest of my body to fall into line. Just because I’m doing this doesn’t mean I’m exempt from emotions I still get them I just have to learn how to better express them instead of drawing inward I need to learn to ask for help and I need to stop hating my self.
Sorry it’s a heavy topic but there are a lot of people suffering from Depression and if I don’t talk about it they may feel alone and instead of getting out of it will sink into their hole and not come out.
So if your feeling that way or if your not sure there are resources that you can check out I didn’t this time around because I know the signs, but maybe your not sure if what your feeling is Depression check out www.depressionhurts.ca and there is a quiz there and resources that you can check out.
I’m learning to truly Let Go and Let God. and my perspective has changed.
Thank you and God Bless
P.S. hoping tomorrow to start the meme on the 7 sins that has been going around the blogosphere. Tomorrow’s topic “Pride”.