stay tuned this is a woman on the move who is tired of living a life of excuses and is going to do something about it, whatever it takes (nothing that breaks my moral code of course) My life, my struggles to get out of debt, getting healthy and not knowing what's next. trying to figure it all out. anyway I can

I am drawing once again from the WordPress challenge for today:   When Was the Last Time You Were Scared supplied by Saltekoff’s Writings

The last time I was scared well that would be now, terrified actually I feel like my life is a rollercoaster ride which I love to ride, but do not love to live.  One minute things seem to be going in the right direction then nope there is another twist then a dip into the unknown and it feels like I am going to crash all the time.

If your a frequent reader you know that I am in a situation that a lot of people are familiar with right now and that is being unemployed.  I have been for 1 year and 2months that’s not the problem the problem is that the benefits have run out a month ago and there doesn’t seem to be an end to the struggles in sight.

I have been trying to become gainfully employed for 6months now I have limited myself somewhat in the fact that I won’t or can’t do a lot of the basic jobs that are hiring.  I won’t work in a place that’s against my personal convictions so that means selling alcohol or gambling, I don’t want to contribute to addictions I have seen what they can do to people’s lives and I won’t go there.  So that means most restaurants/convenience stores are out.  I can’t work in most physically demanding jobs due to previous injuries incurred as a baker.  I even sometimes have difficulty standing for long periods of time so I am trying really hard to avoid retail..

Yeah I know what your thinking, it sounds like there are a lot of limitations or things you won’t do what will you do.  I am a hard worker but I am not willing to risk my physical health anymore I am hoping that if I continue to lose weight that some of these physical limitations will not be so great and I might be able to attempt to do something physical again, till then I’m not willing to risk the mobility I do have right now.

So on goes the search and the longer it takes the more terrified I get.  Terrified I won’t be able to pay my bills and my rent and then I will end up in real trouble.  Just scared that I will never stop struggling that this is my cross to bear that I will forever pay for my family’s mistakes and my own.

I know this is all irrational that none of this will come to pass because I have a strong belief in faith and know who knows my future but for now in my room on a beautiful Saturday that I am unable to enjoy because I somehow managed to break my toe.  Trying to hold the darkness of depression at bay, living one day at a time knowing that today is just another day that there is the perfect job for me that someone will give me a chance,  that’s all it take is one chance.

I am scared today because, I don’t know what is ahead and that terrifies me.  I am scared that I will be put in a position where my values maybe compromised in order to make ends meet.  I have been there and done that and I don’t want to buy that ticket again.

The funny thing is I am feeling the best I have felt health wise in a long time, the energy is back, the desire/drive is there I am just waiting for the job to be there to so I can put all this energy into it.

I am scared today, but tomorrow it will be better. it has to be right.  This is just how I am feeling today.

Thank you and God Bless

Tina Marie.

again if your feeling overwhelmed there are sites you can get some advice at and ask yourself if it’s more then that. www.depressionhurts.ca

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