The last time I was scared well that would be now, terrified actually I feel like my life is a rollercoaster ride which I love to ride, but do not love to live. One minute things seem to be going in the right direction then nope there is another twist then a dip into the unknown and it feels like I am going to crash all the time.
If your a frequent reader you know that I am in a situation that a lot of people are familiar with right now and that is being unemployed. I have been for 1 year and 2months that’s not the problem the problem is that the benefits have run out a month ago and there doesn’t seem to be an end to the struggles in sight.
I have been trying to become gainfully employed for 6months now I have limited myself somewhat in the fact that I won’t or can’t do a lot of the basic jobs that are hiring. I won’t work in a place that’s against my personal convictions so that means selling alcohol or gambling, I don’t want to contribute to addictions I have seen what they can do to people’s lives and I won’t go there. So that means most restaurants/convenience stores are out. I can’t work in most physically demanding jobs due to previous injuries incurred as a baker. I even sometimes have difficulty standing for long periods of time so I am trying really hard to avoid retail..
Yeah I know what your thinking, it sounds like there are a lot of limitations or things you won’t do what will you do. I am a hard worker but I am not willing to risk my physical health anymore I am hoping that if I continue to lose weight that some of these physical limitations will not be so great and I might be able to attempt to do something physical again, till then I’m not willing to risk the mobility I do have right now.
So on goes the search and the longer it takes the more terrified I get. Terrified I won’t be able to pay my bills and my rent and then I will end up in real trouble. Just scared that I will never stop struggling that this is my cross to bear that I will forever pay for my family’s mistakes and my own.
I know this is all irrational that none of this will come to pass because I have a strong belief in faith and know who knows my future but for now in my room on a beautiful Saturday that I am unable to enjoy because I somehow managed to break my toe. Trying to hold the darkness of depression at bay, living one day at a time knowing that today is just another day that there is the perfect job for me that someone will give me a chance, that’s all it take is one chance.
I am scared today because, I don’t know what is ahead and that terrifies me. I am scared that I will be put in a position where my values maybe compromised in order to make ends meet. I have been there and done that and I don’t want to buy that ticket again.
The funny thing is I am feeling the best I have felt health wise in a long time, the energy is back, the desire/drive is there I am just waiting for the job to be there to so I can put all this energy into it.
I am scared today, but tomorrow it will be better. it has to be right. This is just how I am feeling today.
Thank you and God Bless
again if your feeling overwhelmed there are sites you can get some advice at and ask yourself if it’s more then that. www.depressionhurts.ca