stay tuned this is a woman on the move who is tired of living a life of excuses and is going to do something about it, whatever it takes (nothing that breaks my moral code of course) My life, my struggles to get out of debt, getting healthy and not knowing what's next. trying to figure it all out. anyway I can

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I’m a Mom!!

One of the reasons I disappeared from the radar besides well honestly lack of desire to blog.

Not because I didn’t have tons to share just with the job I’m doing I’m brain fried on most days after work and the idea of sitting at the computer and coming up with words of what and how my life was progressing just seemed to daunting.   So in typical “Tina Marie” fashion I avoided and delayed and procrastinated till it just seem like too daunting of a task to become a daily blogger again.

Which I have never professed to be,  anyways I miss it.   I miss expressing myself using my words even if only one person is reading it a day, it’s not about my audience it’s about getting my thoughts, feelings and emotions out of my brain so that it clears up space for more productive things like life.

Okay so what’s been happening well contract was extended again to end of November and hopefully by mid November I find out if I’m extended to end of January.   Which it is 85% certain it will be and probably longer which would suit me fine.   The longer that I have stable employment the likelier that my next plan of action can be put into place.

Okay so the title what’s that all about well about a month ago my mom came home from a trip from visiting friends with a little surprise.   I was not overjoyed at this surprise as we had discussed on several occasions that I didn’t want the responsibility, nor did I think that I could handle the responsibility.   So we had put on the back burner the idea of adding any other additional members to our family till we became more stable financially and till we had a bigger house and not an apartment.

Well what could you do when your mom tells you this heartbreaking story about how this little furball was caught up in a fishing net up to her neck in the cold wet outdoors and that if she didn’t rescue it and take her home she would have surely died a horrible death at the exposure of the elements and not being able to protect herself.

So now I am a proud “mommy” to a furchild kitten Precious Princess ( not my choice, mom named her as she was a “Precious gift from God”, so the name stays) I call her “P” when mom isn’t looking lol.    She was 6 weeks old when mom found her ( we think) so she’s 2 months now.

Well I could make this whole entry about her and all her antics,  but I will not be turning this blog into to the Precious blog.   Her daily exploits lets just say as much as she has brought joy she has some personality quirks that are little exasperating at the moment..  Like she has an issue with biting and scratching, she thinks she is playing but it hurts and my hands look I’ve been in attack,  full of scratches.

She has also given me something that I know I’ve been lacking and that something to nurture and love I forgot how much I missed having a pet, especially a cat.. I love it and so glad mom brought her home..  Okay enough about her back to me.

So that’s what’s going on, on the work front, on the rest of the fronts in my personal life well it’s been a bit of a roller coaster.  Lots of personal stuff that I’m not at liberty to share but I hate when my family members are in pain and there is nothing you can do for them but be there.  So I’ve had to deal with that which has been hard to see this family member go through what they are going through and not being able to fix it and no that I can’t that it’s a journey they have to go through on their own.

So yeah I have a lot on my plate right now and some of it I want gone and am doing something about it.

Starting with well as well as blogging break that was both self imposed and unplanned.  I also did a fast from TV, Twitter and Movies for a month Twitter for 4o days I just felt I need that break and it was a way to get clarity.  I allowed myself to watch Masterchef and Xfactor during that time period but nothing like Drama’s or Prime Time TV.. I did break it a couple of times when I went to the movies on my friends bday and when I watched movies w/Dad when he came to town but for the most part I stuck to it.    You would think that would leave me more time for reading but I don’t know lately reading is like torture to me I can’t get into it which is really strange when you consider I used to read like 3 books, 5 magazines a week on top of email and blogs.   So it’s a little strange to lose my first love..   I’m determined to get it back because I have a ton of great things to read, including my friends neglected blogs I feel disconnected with not reading their blogs and talking on twitter I have no idea what’s going on in their lives and now I have to start to reconnect again and hope it’s not to late.

So if I haven’t been reading or watching TV what the heck have I been doing well I have been socializing more by getting out I went to a great conference at the end of September which I plan on doing a couple blogs about.  I’ve been visiting and getting out more mainly with my Dad who I have been building a better relationship with.  Also doing a lot of talking w/mom.  I’m attending bible study and church on a regular basis.  I’m just becoming more rounded instead of living in my room.. Also confession time I have spent whole evenings just watching my kitten and her antics and playing with her.  I’ve also rediscovered my other passion Game playing, back to playing my Hidden Object/Adventure Games.

So life is pretty full, but it’s still not productive so in November I’m starting to do something I haven’t done in a while because I stepped on a scale and am proud that just by doing Isagenix and changing my eating habits that I have managed to lose 33 pounds since January but I know that I could have done better and showed it more if I had put an exercise plan into this as well so I’m going to start exercising.. I have all the things I need to do it a balance ball, a set of weights and two feet and a heartbeat.  So I should be able to get something accomplished with that.

I did also have to take a break from Isagenix, the one thing about my job is yes I’m working and yes I’m making money but it’s not enough that I can afford to take a trip for a weekend and do Isagenix so I made a choice in September to not get my Isagenix so I could go on this amazing conference So I was without Isagenix for almost two months and man did I feel it.. I was sluggish and pigging out on so many inappropriate foods like chip and eating pizza, chicken fingers & wedges (homemade) but still I was not on track  I tried to stay healthy but gave into my cravings on more then one occasion.   I was so afraid to get on the scale because I was sure with my lack of exercise and eating junk that I would have surely gained a lot of weight back but I was pleasantly surprised to only have gained 3pds.  So now I’m back on my cleanse I’m on day 5 of 30 and am going to put my health first from now on.   As always I’ll keep you in the loop as to what my progress is.. I’m going to do something else I haven’t done in over 15 years I’m going to have a scale in my house and hope that I don’t become overly obsessed with the number on the stupid thing.   So that’s my health update.

I have a big birthday coming up and I’m too late to do a list of things I would like to accomplish by it that would be just setting myself up for defeat I am proud of some of the things I have accomplished this year.  I know I’ve grown, and I know that some people think that I’m stunted in my growth with not being involved in a relationship, or have a house, or kids, heck even a license at my age oh and sharing an apartment with my mom.  I’m coming to realize that where I am in life is where I need to be right now as I heal and grow and when I am ready for all those other steps I will be doing it with a healthy mindset, I can’t wait for what comes next..  I’m turning 35 but I feel like it’s a rebirth of Tina Marie and that this next year will be my best yet, now that I have the tools in place to accomplish and become the Tina Marie that God’s sees that I can be.  So in summary, by my birthday or the beginning of the year whatever comes first I hope to  have these things done or started.  It’s not a 35 by 35 list but it’s things I think are manageable and won’t set me up for failure.

Things to do by Jan 2012:

  • Start an exercise program where I’m exercising 3x a week, I’ve said it in the past and I haven’t followed through with it but I will keep putting the intent out there and one day it will happen hopefully this is the month.
  • Continue with Isagenix and my healthy eating program w/ Vitamins and proper sleep
  • Get finances in order by getting “Clean Slate” by getting a Consolidation Loan now that I have been employed for 6+months ( will wipe the slate clean and give me a lower interest/1 payment which is the amount I’m paying on all payments and make a difference in my debt amounts.
  • Continue with growing my relationships around me, reconnect with my estranged family members and start contact them regularly.
  • Get contract extended. (Learn when it’s time to move on)
  • Start reading more starting with the books I borrowed “The Help”.
  • Blog more (notice didn’t put a frequency in)
  • Start de-cluttering room by getting rid of 10 things a week or more.
  • Start painting again (bought all the supplies on my trip)
  • Go back to silent sundays or 1 day a week w/no tech and no noise(music, podcasts, tv)
One more thing in case your curious that number I saw on the scale was 165lbs to put that into perspective this time last year I weighed 197lbs.  So I am pleased and am going to keep on keeping on.
Thank you and God Bless
Tina Marie.
Oh here’s a picture of Precious
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Could it be things are turning around.. Hallejulah

Oops I’ve gone and done the disappearing thing again.. Okay I am alive and I am here I don’t really know why I haven’t been blogging.  I won’t make any promises but well here’s an update to what’s been going on in my tiny little world.

Feels likes I have a new wardrobe since starting in this placement now that I am back to wearing my professional clothes. There are pros and cons to every situation now I am wearing my pro clothes I now need new clothes due to all the lbs I’ve lost, loving this new placement hope it turns into something more long term. I work in an office doing data entry/review and I get to spend the day with great people listening to music/podcasts all day woo hoo.. God is working, always has been.. just needed to be reminded.

I have been there now a little over a week and a bit and scheduled to be there for another 9weeks, start praying.. Anyways I am doing data entry in the morning and in the afternoon I have been assigned okay I volunteered to do the Data Entry Training Manual for the program and processes that we use. So far I started it on Tuesday afternoon and I have a 8220words and 32page manual and I am not done.. Guess I really am a writer, I submitted my rough copy to my supervisor on Friday for comments and corrections.. A little nervous still a lot left to do figure I should have it done by next week on Fri.   ( Was informed by supervisor that this is a daily thing over my entire term there so there is no actual due date, that takes the pressure off, mind you I was kind of looking forward to a new project)
The other part of my job playing on Google/internet looking for research relevant to what my office offers. Due to confidentiality can’t publish here.

There are rumblings of possibly extending my placement but won’t find out till this one is done or near completion if that were to happen it could possibly last till November or longer.  We will see I am holding out hope for that but if not then the next door will open for a new possibility.

So yeah this week was awesome we raise money for a different organization every month and this month is the Genevra house a women’s/children shelter here in town and we do this by paying for dress-down days on fridays and this week on Tuesday we had Desserts for a Cause where we could pay different amounts of money and get some desserts.

The manager of the office well she used to be a caterer/baker so she has talents coming out of her ying yang, she made a dessert buffet and from there you picked the number of pieces you purchased.
She made so many good things I’ll name some to make you salivate a little. Raspberry Oatmeal Squares; Blueberry Cheesecake, Buttertart Squares, Banana Bread, Chocolate Chip cookies, Peanut butter Cookies, Peanut Butter Mouse Cake with a Brownie bottom; Praline cheesecake, Apple Crumb tartlets, mini sugar pies, sucre de la creme; yummy want some more just from listing it.

Another cool thing that has happened is that well my supervisor was working from home she made me the lead of the team for the day and has said I will be in charge of the team when she’s not there.  Yikes only a week and someone is trying to shove me into leadership.. FYI I am terrified of the responsibility of being a leader, I know I can do it just don’t want to, but every time I turn around someone wants me in that role.  So yeah I totally feel in my element at work and now that has been sorted for a bit I can start to concentrate on other aspects of my life.

Like well getting my health back on track.  July 2nd I will be going back to my life of cleansing using my Isagenix System I now have the products needed to do that and after seeing what I saw when I went window shopping with my co worker I even more determined to get down to my goal weight and I figure I have another40lbs to go (according to the BMI scale) or so I will see at different stages how I look.  Well I have been unsuccessful in procuring my before picture from my friend hence the delay but I promise one is coming as well as an after.

I know that I have lost at least 20lbs possibly 30 I have gone done 3 sizes.  ( Would probably be more if I would add more exercise to my schedule besides walking).  It felt amazing window shopping this time around. A coworker who gives me a ride home decided that she needed new pants and since I needed to pick up some stuff and haven’t been to the mall in ages I followed her to the store.  Glad I did it gave me the encouragement I needed I knew I was losing weight because of my wardrobe at home but I had no idea how much till I started trying on clothes in the store.  I started with my (old) size and it was just hanging on me then I went down a size and a another and a another till I was standing there in a size M and a size 12.  I was amazed and kept falling in love with everything I tried on so I think once the bills are in order I am going to treat myself to one knock out piece as a celebration to my new size/job.  Won’t go crazy because I plan on losing more weight so there’s no use buying a new wardrobe I’ll just shop value village for a bit till I get at the weight I wanna be.

I am still flying from that revelation and pumped into becoming who I was meant to be.  I used to be small then I allowed life and my emotions to take over when I was in high school in Grade 12 I was a size 7/9 then in college I started stuffing my emotions (stress, fear, loneliness, exhaustion etc)  and ballooned up and it just continued to get higher and higher.  I started this journey for my health and strictly so but I would be lying if I didn’t want to be attractive to the opposite sex.  I used to be afraid of that attention and hence I blanketed myself with fat but now I am ready to shed that part of me and become the me I am supposed to be showing the world.(who I see inside my head)    I would like to meet someone and get married and I am not going to do that with the me that I was because that me was hiding herself away inside herself.  Now I am open to all possibilities and can only see the best for my future.

Okay oops getting hokey I know that I used my fat as a shield to keep me from being looked at and I am not saying that being heavier I wouldn’t be attractive.  To me though I was not attractive because I put up this huge wall saying I was not open to the possibilities of love or friendship, move on nothing to see here kind of mentality.

Okay this is getting too deep for an update thinking I may discuss this more in depth in another post.

So that’s what’s happened since we chatted now onto the fun stuff the finances.

Well in a nutshell my finances suck,  I have gotten a little behind and am now starting the process of digging myself out of this past year and getting back to where I was before this whole unemployment journey started I will go back to living within in my means and getting out of debt.  The way my paycheques work I get paid weekly and they are a week behind so I work this week but don’t get paid for till next week kind of thing which I love because that means I can pay bills every week which makes them happy.

So the idea is that I will use 3 of the 4 cheques to pay bills and my last one will be for rent, I figure if I am strict like that for the next two months I will start to get back on the right track and when I get the next contract at their rate of pay and not the agencies I will be able to really get into paying down my debt.. Right now the focus is just getting back to regular payments and stop being behind.

I am still seriously considering consolidating it would help me by giving me only one payment/lower interest and it would look really great when I go buy a house I think because my old debts would be cleared up and make it look like I have more credit.  I don’t know I sometimes feel like it’s the easier way out like that would be cheating, but the circumstance from the past year have made me think I need to do something.  Because at the rate I am going paying minimum payments it will take forever to get out of debt.

I am planning on getting a car next year if the finances pan out.  I have been offered a 2008 vehicle for $5000 grand for March 2012 and that would be a good first vehicle for me.  FYI I have never owned a vehicle in fact as of right now I am not even fully licensed so this would be a step towards adulthood (which would be great considering I turn 35 in Dec).  I would park it the majority of the time it would just be nice to have an asset and some more independence oh and the freedom to go places like visiting my bro and his kids, oh and Toronto.  Just another thought bubble that’s a way off.

Okay I am rambling but I figured since you haven’t heard from me in a bit you would put up with it.  There will be more regular posting this week.  Don’t worry I’ll keep you in the loop..

Hope everyone had a great week, Take Care and God Bless

Tina Marie.

My head hurts, make the treadmill stop

So another day of job search and it was going great till I learned that yet again I messed up my resumes that I sent out today only two before I realized but they were for really great jobs that I would really enjoy doing so we will see.  Beginning to wonder if I’m self sabotaging my resumes out of fear (but that’s another discussion)

I rectified it by resending my resume with the correct cover letter and apologizing for the gaffe but I don’t know it doesn’t really show attention to detail when I sent a cover letter for another job ad as an attachment and their cover letter in the body of the email.

Tomorrow though I have some positive action, I got a email about a possible position going into management at a company but I don’t know it’s back in the dog eat dog world of sales/retail and I’m not sure if I want to go there again.

So I’m going there with some hesitation but also still with an open mind because like it or not the possibility of me finding a job I’m destined to do is running out and now it’s just about finding a job that will pay the bills.

So I can concentrate on making my other dreams happen which I will start talking about over the next month or so.  So bear with me as I’ve stated before right now this blog is about me venting and being honest about what and how it sometimes feel to be out of control of your life and stalled in your goals.

Then maybe once I’m back on track it will turn I don’t less melancholy and more upbeat and more personal finance entries because who honestly wants to read a spend week entry with absolutely no spending because right now there is no money to be had.. It’s like cheating (it’s not a challenge to spend when there is no $$ to spend) or how I manage to pay bills when me and my mom make less then $1700 between the two of us and the bills haven’t changed because I’m unemployed.. I was going to cut all the fun out of my life then I realized I wouldn’t have much of a life and also didn’t feel like I should be punished for something that was out of my control  so I kept the extras in my life and cut everywhere else.

Also was trying to be an optimist and keep up the belief that a job was just around the corner and we were managing with some help (Dad)(payback for me helping him in his time of need last year) till last month mainly because my Mom’s job lays her off for a couple of weeks during the holidays and she ended being sick an additional 2 weeks so were just catching up now.

But if I get a job by the 15th then just maybe this struggle will be over and we can start to, I can start to do what I’ve always intended to do and that is get out of this hole I’ve dug anyway I can and that begins with first and foremost getting a job, then after that starting to create multiple streams of income which I will talk about tomorrow in more depth.

Not to sound conceited okay well maybe a little I don’t know something in my gut deep down tells me that I’m not meant for a life of struggle that I have it in me to achieve what I want now that I am focussed and know who really holds the cards in my life if I keep on, keeping on then, just maybe things will start to change for the better because we all have it within us to change.

so I bid you good night because I have a lovely headache which is why the title is such, because when I think too much and over analyze things which I have a tendency to do I can give myself a stress headache and that’s not good to be going into an interview with tomorrow.

I’ll pray what I always pray open the doors that are meant to be opened and close the doors that are not if it is not in your will that I get this job then let it be known and shown and provide me with the job that you wish me to do for your glory.  Because I know God you have the perfect job for me that will provide for my needs Amen.

Take Care and God Bless

Tina Marie

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